Stuff I'm Doing This Week: Facing the Consequences of Doing Too Much

Diva Down!

Much to the surprise of probably absolutely no one, my current lifestyle and attempts at doing ‘everything I need to do’ were actually unsustainable. I know, it’s so shocking that I couldn’t stay on a steady schedule of working a 9-5 job, being creative, and being social 4/7 days a week while only averaging 6 hours of sleep a night without it all eventually coming to a crashing halt. Who could have possibly seen that coming?!

Last weekend, I started to realize I needed to slow down. I was doing too much of everything….except taking taking proper care of myself and it was starting to feel like it was catching up. “I’m at the point where I’m going to make myself sick; whether that’s physically, mentally, or chronically,” I thought. “Which one it will be, I don’t know. But I gotta get it together.”

Naturally, these were famous last words. I, in fact, did not get it together, and instead continued to try to ‘do it all’ for three more days, continuing to tire myself out. I was so worn out that I didn’t even write a newsletter last week — and didn’t even have the energy to put up a story on Instagram to say as much.

And then…you guessed it: I got sick.

If you know me in real life, you have probably unfortunately been subjected to hearing about a) how I’m immunocompromised and b) how I have pretty terrible health anxiety. I’m on an immunosuppressant called a biologic (it’s a fascinating medication if you want to read about it) to manage my Crohn’s Disease and I have terrible health anxiety because of that whole pandemic that we lived — and are living — through. The whole ‘world shutting down, lining up to go in stores, don’t breathe on your friends, you might accidentally kill them’ thing really did a number on my psyche. The health anxiety is really just a ✨ trauma ✨ response!

So needless to say, getting sick is pretty high up on my list of fears, even if it is just a measly viral illness like a cold. Mostly I’m worried about the ‘what ifs’ that come with it. I haven’t been on biologic long enough to really know how my body reacts when I get sick — this is actually only my second time getting ill in the 2.5 years I’ve been on them. This coupled with my health anxiety is a recipe for overthinking disaster! I end up stuck mulling over potential scenarios: What if I get really sick? What if it takes me ages to get better? What if it causes a flare up? What if I get someone else sick and they get really sick? What if their grandma gets really sick? On and on, my brain ruminates over what could maybe happen, stressing me out at every turn.

The good thing is that I’m better than I used to be — I have the therapy bills to prove it. Gone are the days I’d lose myself in a Reddit blackhole reading extensively about COVID symptoms after I swallowed kinda weird. But while this particular behaviour is behind me and I’m overall better (I know it doesn’t seem like it, so you’re just gonna have to take my word for it), that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t pick up a little speed every time I realize I’m sick (or any time I swallow weird, I have to be honest).

This time however, I accepted that I was sick rather easily…mostly because it really didn’t come to a surprise. It’s not that I went out there and made myself sick, but I certainly wasn’t doing much to make sure my body was in the shape it needed to prevent an infection. I was drained. I was exhausted. I was burnt out. This was the consequence of doing too much.

So instead of panicking, I decided just to work on getting better.

I used my sick days. I drank Liquid IV. I took a lot of naps. I took a lot of baths. I spent the extra dollar on the tissues with lotion and aloe. A friend was also under the weather, so together, from our own condos, we watched ‘To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before’, ‘Do Revenge’, ‘Death Note’, and ‘Pokemon Concierge’. Yes, it was quite the variety and no, I don’t think we would have watched ‘Death Note’ under normal circumstances.

After a couple of days, my symptoms cleared up. My body felt better. It wasn’t the end of the world. None of the ‘what ifs’ happened. I just…recovered.

But it was a bit of a wake up call.

What’s that saying? Rest or your body will make you? That was me this past week and I was left with one unfortunate realization: I can’t continue on being as busy as I am or trying to do as many things I am at this current volume. What I’m doing is not working.

I’m not really sure what that means in the long run. I know it means I have to take better care of myself on a very basic level; sleep, nutrition, resting more and going out (a little) less. But I still have goals I want to achieve and projects I want to tackle! I need to make time and room for those. I don’t know how to do all of it…but maybe this is the point where I really figure it out. Maybe this is the turning point where I determine how to make it all happen in a way that’s actually sustainable and actually possible…especially since I’ve figured out a lot of what doesn’t work. Or maybe I just need to be realistic and let some things go.

It’s an intimidating thing, but I’m trying to be excited by it. Figuring these things out is all part of the journey, right? Plus, I am looking forward to taking care of myself properly; it felt so luxurious to make sure I was hydrating and resting enough while sick! But it shouldn’t; that should be an every day thing, not a luxury.

At this point, I absolutely, desperately miss my routine. Hopefully we’ll be back at it by this time next week. Hopefully back to more regular programming next week on this newsletter, too, though really…how do we even define that around here?

Definitely includes 100% less cold symptoms.