Stuff I'm Doing This Week: Thinking About Self-Imposed Pressure

If the only person I'm letting down is myself, then the only person who suffers is also...myself? Hate that.

I may have kind of screwed myself over with deciding to make this newsletter weekly, because that means I have to write this newsletter weekly.

High on the sheer volume of opportunity that a new year presented, in the early weeks of January I decided to put this little internet space into the world. Originally, I had outlined a bi-weekly posting schedule as to not overwhelm myself. But as I got going and as the excitement of actually writing consistently settled in, I thought to myself, Why not make it weekly?

Well, because that means I have to think of something to write each week and I’m discovering that sometimes that’s hard.

Part of the reason is because I’m still figuring out what exactly this is. I’m trying not to box myself into any specific niche or topic, but rather just write about whatever comes to me. However, that often leads me to thinking my topics of choice might be boring or off-putting. Who would want to read that? I think and then after agonizing a bit, I’m thrown into the depths of writer’s block.

Yesterday, while lamenting (read: whining) about this very issue, my dear friend Emily said, “You can take a week break!” She’s right, I thought. I totally could. But instead I said it would be so nice to stick to the schedule I’ve set for myself.

Which would be nice - but is it realistic? And who is saying I have to stick to this schedule other than me?

No one is. It’s just me. And somehow, that is sometimes even a little bit worse than having someone else hold me accountable because I am the worst.

I’m incredibly guilty of putting a lot of self-imposed pressure on myself. Something I have gone over and over in therapy is that I am an all or nothing kind of gal. I’m either all the way in, being super consistent and being super disciplined to make things happen, or I’m being way too lax and way too gentle with myself. Both of these things make me crazy; the first making me feel that if I don’t maintain the self-imposed standard I have set, I feel a lot of guilt. The second making me feel that I am being lazy and unproductive. I’ve been working so hard this year to find a good middle ground that allows me to work towards accomplishing things without overwhelming myself and for the most part, I have been the most consistent I have ever been in many areas of my life.

Of course, I haven’t been 100% consistent. I’m only human! But try telling that to my brain, especially when I feel particularly ambitious this year.

In January I also set a series of other goals for 2025 in addition to this newsletter (which is really just for fun and low stakes in the grand scheme of what I laid out). I was so gung-ho about it, that I created a whole binder to track my progress at the end of each month throughout the year. Really hold myself accountable! And while I still really like this set up and feel a lot of value from it, I haven’t been doing so great in progress on couple of my goals this month. I’m still working towards them, but not at the pace I set for myself — or the pace I would like — and that frustrates me to no end. I’m dreading filling out the binder next week because unless I discover a Time Turner and can be in two places at once, I’m not meeting the expectations I set for myself.

And I hate that!!!

My therapist has said I need to stop being so hard on myself - that I’m not being realistic or fair to myself and as a result, am being unkind to the me that is trying. But a life of stops and starts is exhausting and it is the worst feeling to be disappointed in yourself for letting yourself down. The only person who suffers when I don’t do what I say I will in regards to working towards my goals or self betterment - is me. I don’t want to make myself suffer when I’m in control of…not doing that!

The weight of letting myself down (this year especially) feels like it is sitting on the edge of everything I do because I want so much for my future self. I want to do so many things and they will only happen if I work very hard and stay on track the best I can. Your dreams only work if you do, right?

So I do!!!

Despite all of this, I’m trying to remember to be flexible with myself. In the past, I’ve been prone to be so discouraged by my inconsistency that I just give up on the whole thing. Which gets me no where! Which is worse than just being inconsistent cause at least I am still doing things. I need to remind myself that progress isn’t linear; it’s never what you think it looks like.

But goodness, isn’t that in itself frustrating?

To not wrap this up on a weird note (or maybe this is weirder?), in other stuff from this week, I’m still watching NANA (on episode 43/47 as I write this and regretting it entirely because it’s getting so good and as mentioned last week, it has no ending), weeping over the dreamy new Japanese Breakfast album (aptly named ‘For Melancholy Brunettes (& sad women)’), and had a delicious meal at Gonzo Izakaya with friends where I laughed so hard I cried multiple times. See you all next week where I’m hopefully less dramatic (unlikely).